A top divorce lawyer has laid out the main reasons why marriages break down.
James J. Sexton believes all problems within marriages ultimately stem from two things – either someone doesn’t know what they want, or they don’t know how to ask for it.
He also men being made redundant from their jobs as a major trigger in many cases of divorce.
When it comes to sex – or a lack of it – he says that it’s more often the symptom of marriage problems than the cause.
“Sex is a thing that is definitional to a romantic relationship,” he told the Diary of a CEO podcast. “Will it always be the same? Will it always stay at the same level of importance? No. But is it a great canary in the coal mine? So something’s off with the sex now and tragedy’s not far tragedy’s not far behind? Yes!”
He also said infidelity is a major trigger for divorce.
He said: “Both men and women cheat with a tremendous amount of frequency… I don’t think that you could really say one [gender] does it more than the other. But I think that more men are accused of having ruined the relationship by cheating than women are.”
Among his wealthy clients, a lot of men end up having a “fascination” with their children’s nanny – which tends to end up with them needing a divorce lawyer.
He continued: “The nanny has a lot of the characteristics of the wife; she’s good with the kids she’s there to be supportive to the husband. She’s a helpmate – but without any of the autonomy… she’s an employee at the end of the day, which is a much simpler relationship.”
The other thing that couples argue about, even wealthy couples, is money.
“Money is power,” he said. “It’s not uncommon that people are dishonest with themselves and with each other about money.”
In particular, when men are made redundant from their jobs it can spark marriage woes.
He continued: “I see a tremendous number of divorces when husband and wife are both working and the husband loses his job… it sends them spiralling into a depression.
“They’ve lost this job and it’s of how they define themselves in the traditional masculine gender role – a provider and a protector.”
James continued: “I’ve seen a lot of women that when their spouse loses the job and they become the breadwinner, they find that very unappealing.”
While women are happy with a husband who is a breadwinner, or even an economic equal, James believes the idea of looking after a man financially is very “uncomfortable” for a lot of wives.
He added: “I would love it if they kept statistics on these kinds of things but I can tell you in my practice I’ve seen plenty of women lose their jobs, and it has no impact on the marriage. When men lose their job in a heterosexual male-female marriage it has disastrous consequences a great deal of the time.”
